Who Watches the Watch, man? OR How to Escape the Matrix for Dummies: Lesson 1
As a proud wearer of a regular watch (aka a watch that was the miracle of human civilization before Apple ordained it 'dumb'), I find smart watches or really any device that tracks your sleep / steps / blood pressure / hairline utterly baffling.
You obviously knew you were getting terrible sleep before you bought the tracker, unless someone in your life buys very pointed gifts. So, the tracker confirms your hypothesis, which you knew because you're tired all the time, and the tracker helpfully reminds you to do better at sleep... And then what, exactly?
You don't move enough so you buy a step tracker to tell you to move. You sit too much so you buy a fitness band to tell you to stand up. You're stressed out all the time so you buy a watch to monitor your blood pressure to tell you to calm down which will absolutely piss you off more...
How is any of this helpful? These technological parasites that feed off our insecurities and failings. Who in the god-damned world decided it was their business model to convince us to track everything -- to ignore our instincts and give them our precious data yet again for what? Judgment? Stress?!
Look, I'm not going to sit here from my ergonomic desk chair that's slowly killing me from all this sitting, and tell you I've got it figured out. I'm a schlub who doesn't sleep enough too.
But what I do know is a scam when I see one. And wearing a $500 piece of plastic on your arm that negs your sleep schedule is absolutely a scam. These things are the digital equivalent of snake-oil; they don't do anything, except make you feel like you're doing something. You bought it, surely this is step one to a whole new you.
Everything these devices pretend to help with lands squarely in the category of Problems that are EASY to understand and HARD to execute. So why not sell you something you don't need while we're here?
Eat less. Move more. Drink water. Get to bed early. Wake up early. That'll be $12.99/month for the rest of your life.
I once was a fat(ter) dude than I am now. My solution? Eat less. I cooked 20% less food and for 2 weeks I was hungry after every meal, then my giant stomach learned what a meal was supposed to feel like. I went for walks, got a used exercise bike, and did the occasional sit-up. Was it easy? No. Was it complicated? No. Did I track a single part of this? No. I lost 50 lbs over a few months (it helps if you start out fat as hell).
So, join me in not measuring, in not tracking, in not getting any more damned updates. Optimization is just another word for the death of joy.
I promise you'll feel better with a $20 Casio on your wrist.
At a party thrown by a billionaire, Kurt Vonnegut told Joseph Heller that their host had made more money in a single day than Heller's Catch-22 had earned in its entire history.
Heller replied, "I've got something he can never have... the knowledge that I've got enough."
-- Old Man Out